Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Age of The Neo-Hipster

I had the day off today and decided to do a little non movie research. As of late hipsters have been coming out of the woodwork. Now that the weather is warming up all I see are people with wide brimmed glasses wearing layers of clothing that looks like they were pulled straight out of the 40’s. The men wear they’re skin tight jeans and corduroy jackets while the women wear just about anything that wouldn’t be considered mainstream. And as far as I can tell, they all travel on ten speed bikes made to look like they’re from the 40’s. I was left wondering what the fuck was going on as a group of hipsters zipped by me last night on their retro bikes (by the way they all stopped at the start of a hill so they could walk their bikes up it without even trying to attempt to ride up the hill). I had to know what was going on immediately so I could tell all of you guys, and along with some research and some theories of my own, I’ve figured it out.

A hipster craves being different and loves to argue their points of view, which are sometimes insanely biased. They love listening to indie music and discovering music that nobody else knows about just to add to their own authenticity. They dress funny and do weird ass shit (like wear lensless glasses for no other reason then to look like an idiot ). That’s cool and all but it’s becoming a problem. You see hipsters always prided themselves with being the furthest thing from mainstream. The really funny thing now is that this subculture has become mainstream and people from all walks of life are picking up the style. So their whole existence is now just a really funny oxymoron. The more people who become hipsters the more the culture itself becomes popular and that’s the very thing that hipsters hate. So now that being a hipster is mainstream and being authentic has actually killed their own authenticity, I move that we classify these new hipsters, the ones who have actually turned the culture into a joke, as Neo Hipsters.

I don’t know when people morph into Neo Hipsters. I think the internet has a lot to do with it. The internet made indie music very accessible and allowed people to have a base to bounce their fucked up ideas off of. Not only that but ordering off beat clothing and accessories has never been easier. And now that being different and having our own opinions is cool so begins the age of Neo Hipsterism. We might as well get used to seeing these people. Don’t worry, they’re not hard to spot and they scare really easy. So next time you see somebody in their 20’s and 30’s dressed up like a manic grandmother suffering from dementia, give them a thumbs up, because they are only helping to kill their own cause. Tragic eh?

If you encounter a Neo-Hipster I've put together this little guide that can save you a lot of grief.

1. Do not make fun of their outward appearance. They dress that way just so you will make fun of them and they will call you out on being some kind of hater which unfortunately makes you look like an ass. If you want to trump a neo-hipster, lure them into a conversation with a topic you know a lot about but pretend you don't. Hopefully the neo-hipster will start rambling and that's when you attack with hard hitting facts. This is one of the hardest things to do, but if you can do it right, you can make the neo-hipster self realize him or herself and they should shortly self destruct.

2. Neo-Hipsters suck ass at sports and physical activity. If you want to make a hipster look stupid throw some sports on the TV or suggest playing a sport. When the neo-hipster begins to tell you the reasons sports are stupid, call them a hater and they should shortly self destruct.

3. See a neo-hipster with a longboard or skate board? Ask them to show you a trick or something. They'll likely screw up, and if not, you get to see a cool skate trick.

4. Come up with some lie or bullshit. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as you can talk about it a lot and it makes some kind of sense at face value. And it helps if what your talking about is off beat and something a neo-hipster would be interested in (like a new/old ten speed that automatically downloads music according to the neo-hipsters mood or some shit). Make him/her believe it and they will spread the news. Somebody will call them out on it, and again, the hipster will self realize and shortly self destruct.

5. Just be normal. They fucking hate normal. Or better yet be normal and go to hipster events and become the minority. If they hate on you call them out on it. I think you know what happens after that.

Alright kids, that's all I got on this particular subject I pretty much just made up. But I think Neo-Hipsterism exist and we should all be aware of it. If they get too populous they will eventually become the majority, making normal people the odd ones, which will in turn make us hipsters. Maybe that's their plan after all....

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